Something I wanted to send in a text message, but was far too long and self revealing

I wish that we were both 16 again
so that I could walk the distance to your house
at an hour that no 16 year old girl should be walking the streets alone
past sleeping hobos with urine pooled around them
but I would barely notice the smell or the danger

I would throw pebbles silently at your window
until I got the nerve to throw them hard enough for you to hear
and then you would look out and down and be confused until you saw my shyly embarrassed face and you would smile
but not too much so that I might not think that you are as excited as you are
as I am
And you would wait a few minutes to give the illusion that you are stopping doing something that you were doing that was of importance
and you would click out your light but leave your TV on
so that your parents would think that you were still in your room
and you would surprise me by coming out the back instead of the front of the house
and we wouldn’t know what to say at first
and we would be sure to stand far away from each other
because we liked the electricity of the air between us
until finally I would say
Want to smoke a cigarette?
And we would both be relieved when you agree
because now we could sit next to each other on the curb
and pass between us this one thing that we felt was a safe middle ground for our lips to meet

And when I am old
I will say
that I would still be beautiful
if it weren’t for these damn cigarettes
and I will act regretful
and touch the deep topography with a yellowed finger
but I am still taking a drag
because I secretly know that I am not regretful
I feel warm and full
because this is what it took
to sit next to you
on the curb